I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
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Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Quadruple digit IQ
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.