I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
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Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
A family that plays together cheats.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails