I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
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[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
God has left this place
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Mad Max Arctic Road
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back