I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
You Might Also Like
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!