@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. Whenever I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, "Stairs".
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@theshamingofjay: Make sure you finish all of your math homework, there are dumb kids in America who can't add - parents in China, probably
@thejamietighe: Boss: Why is there an olive in your water? Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
@UberFacts: Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
@DWaitress: You're right, sir. It's MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.