I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
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I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Finally!
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”