Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
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“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes