I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
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ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I was bored.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here