I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.