@BBQJones28: I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.
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@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
@ibid78: [interview for CIA] Your résumé says you're a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or- *I've already thrown a wombat at his face*
@SortaBad: A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won't get you anything decent
@ilovepie84: After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.