@BBQJones28: I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.
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@TomTheWicked: *puts kid in tub* *checks twitter* *forgets about kid* *tweets* *remembers kid* *finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*
@jwoodham: HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone's asleep now. Grab the money.
@VaDawn13: I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.