I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
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Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf