I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
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me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.