I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
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my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday