I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
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Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws