I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
You Might Also Like
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.