Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
i spent way too long on this
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”