@juliussharpe: I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I'm with a screaming two year old wondering, "Who is that solo genius?"
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@le_buns: they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"
@TheToddWilliams: [dinner, my place] "This tastes like pork?" ME: You asked for a nice swine "No, a nice wine" ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
@Kendragarden: My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, "Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart." She tagged my sister.
@_NTFG_: Sometimes when I say "I'm OK", what I really want is for someone to give me a hug, say "You're not OK" and hand me $10,000.