I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
You Might Also Like
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
How to find Kentucky on a map
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.