Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
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lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
can’t catch a break
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
and this one
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .