@Black__Elvis: I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."
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@djdarrellripley: Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary. Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary's case goes to trial...
@Jmboyd58: *wife runs back into our house which is on fire* What are you doing!? W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
@RxitWounds: Objection your honor! He's badgering the witness lmao *Courtroom erupts in laughter* Badger: Ok seriously I'm a lawyer and deserve respect
@MikeCanRant: 1) Find and catch a rabbit 2) Go to restaurant 3) Complain about a hare in your meal 4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet