@Black__Elvis: I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."
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@heidi420x: Peanut butter You're almost as good as chocolate Which is almost as good as cheese Which is tied with vodka -Poem about the food pyramid
@astutenewf: 12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn't Mary have a little lamb? Me: And you came with a no return policy
@SSDated: Grad school is my excuse for everything. No text back? Grad school. Havent called in weeks? Grad school. I ate your last donut? Grad school!