@Black__Elvis: I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."
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@texasstalkermom: Ways to get me naked: 1. Be hot 2. Be funny 3. Be alcohol 4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
@tchrquotes: Student:Why do we need to know this? Me: To look smart for your friends. Student:What if I don't want to look smart? Me: You're doing great.
@bourgeoisalien: We can't afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
@daemonic3: "Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly" *gestures to 237 IKEA boxes* "Let's begin! Who's got the Allen wrench?"