ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Teamwork makes the dream work.