mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
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How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
security at the airport getting more straightforward
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.