I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
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[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out