@TheCatWhisprer: I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
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@brichie13: "You think only God can judge you?" *Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you* "Well THINK AGAIN!" *bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
@PaperWash: Getting a text from someone when I'm trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
@flashember: WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt. THERAPIST: Is this true? PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT'S TRUE I'M A BALL OF NEEDLES
@johnbiehl: Me: this a rush song? Bartender: yeah, you a fan? Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says "no"*