I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
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ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?