I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
You Might Also Like
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
How is it still this week?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.