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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Great Canadian literature.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store