The “baby” on the left….
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INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper