Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
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Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.