I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.