It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
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12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.