Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
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Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling