You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Money is the root of all wealth
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
no regrets
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.