I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
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Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Intelligence is the new cleavage
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My biological clock is wheezing.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space