@seamusmckracken: I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
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@Phoebetate: I was just accosted by a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain't got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
@Kali_Mura: Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane. Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
@sixfootcandy: You'd think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.