@seamusmckracken: I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
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@AntoKenya: Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job...HAHAHAHA! Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I'm in tears*
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Did you use my highlighter? 2-year-old: Me: 2: Me: 2: No. Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
@markleggett: We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn't give up on their dreams.
@runolgarun: *TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him* me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch *TSA guns me down*