In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
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My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Bros before Ohioes
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going