@burntmybagel: I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions
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@librarianfonz: Growing up in a household dominated by females, you learn: 1. The importance of listening 2. 101 euphemisms for "the monthly visitor"
@1Happytwit: Cats don't come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can't put them in the washing machine.
@Try2StopME: I'm going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.