@burntmybagel: I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions
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@UncleDuke1969: Kids today have it easy! In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
@MikeCanRant: You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes. *brought to you by Bounty*
@nbadag: *mob meeting* ayo new guy—who're you? "they call me the butcher" oh yea? why's that, butch? *smacks him with a pork loin* "no reason"