Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
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Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves