[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
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[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
#StillHurts
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.