I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
What’s this sorcery? 😂
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along