Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
i did the math
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”