I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
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Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Saturday
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
He is just living hist best little life 😊
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.