I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
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Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I’m too immature for adultery.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company