I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
You Might Also Like
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted