@Manda_like_wine: I walked up to my 9yo and said, "How goes it?" He looks up at me and says, "God is history's greatest serial killer."
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@iinkedZombie: [pet store] Me *looking at snakes* "CAN I FEED THEM?" Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure. Me *putting my kids in tank*
@Pro_Jones_: (Date) Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks. Her: You mean panic attacks? Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
@thepunningman: [date] Clark Kent: I propose a toast *they take their glasses off the table* Lois Lane: omg it's Supertable!
@kumailn: "Wow there are a lot of non-brown people in Gaza." - anyone tuning into Ferguson coverage late