@Manda_like_wine: I walked up to my 9yo and said, "How goes it?" He looks up at me and says, "God is history's greatest serial killer."
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@EndhooS: "How did you get those scars?" [Flashback to me running into a glass door] They're from Cage fighting.
@Tmoney68: Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids' drugs. I couldn't do it. My kid already doesn't trust me, according to her diary.
@TheMichaelRock: The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.
@jonnysun: "the names bond, james bond" [5 min later] STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple