@Manda_like_wine: I walked up to my 9yo and said, "How goes it?" He looks up at me and says, "God is history's greatest serial killer."
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@JaneBadall: The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
@TheCatWhisprer: My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
@TechnicallyRon: Can we stop calling it 'Breaking news' and start calling it 'bloody hell what now'
@nonchalantnacho: Dear family, Since I am unemployed, for Christmas you have a choice of a hug or I'll rap Eminem songs for 5 minutes for you. Love, Danielle