@Manda_like_wine: I walked up to my 9yo and said, "How goes it?" He looks up at me and says, "God is history's greatest serial killer."
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@LackOfShame: Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
@MODAT: Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An 'anonymous tip' should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
@Jen_says_nah: Spoiler alert for the lady in this line, repeatedly asking her newborn 'what's wrong?' Its not gonna answer ya.
@danjan13: Empty out and clean a mace container. Fill with water Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink