Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Canadian owl: Eh?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break