I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
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Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”