@Parentpains: I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning, even if it is to make sure the door is locked.
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@novicefather: Autocorrect changed "killing spree" to "killing soirée" so bring your finest evening attire because murder can be classy.
@BGH70: There's a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I'm not sure if it's performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
@Douchekevin: Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash. Told her I didn't know her sister needed a ride home. I'm bleeding. Call 911