I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Is this you?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Buck naked
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.