I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
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I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Just ordered me some pizza!
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
bout dat hot dog summer
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.