I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Ugh
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.