I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
🙄😏😂🤣
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I found your tweet-up…
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property