I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
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You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.