I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
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Flock of bats
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Accurate
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”