i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
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*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?