i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
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It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning